The silence was painful but Cathy resisted the urge to add to her words. Her eyes swiveled to the side when she saw Dutch physically move backwards, her eyes following his as she saw the shocked faces on her crew's faces. She remained standing, her jaw clenched and chest still tight. Eventually, it was Dutch who asked the burning question. Strangely, Cathy had not prepared an answer, her words came from the heart, and, as she prepared to answer, Dutch continued with "Commander Erwell hasn't..."
Immediately, the regretful look in her eyes was burnt away with anger, her face slightly twisting in a look of disgust.
"No, Doctor, not Commander Erwell."
The fire returned to her face,
"That woman will not influence my career or life ever again, nor touch the Victoria if any of us have any say in the matter." She shifted in her position, suppressing a sigh as the fire started to die down a little. The sadness nagged at her heart as she continued but there was a deep and solid conviction as she spoke,
"A very close and dear friend to me needs me, I left him before, I cannot do it again."
She continued swiftly,
"This is a personal mission of my own choosing and one that I need to do alone." her mouth twitched slightly, she wanted to say so much more than what came out her mouth. She wanted to tell them how much she loved Jack Langmir, how silly she felt that she was giving up her career for him, yet how desperately she wanted to get there. How Cate would laugh at how the Ice Queen herself would finally resign not in a blaze of glory, not at the hands of her enemy, but for love and honour.
"Starfleet will be dispatching a replacement Commanding Officer but, for now, Lieutenant Korleon, the ship is yours." her eyes focused on the younger XO. It reminded her of the time that her own Captain, Charlie Walter, had been taken over by the Toqar and she had had to lead the Afton crew. It was a sudden change and one she had not prepared for. Ultimately, it did help her with her command applications and gave her valuable experience. But when you are an Acting CO, dealing with a crew that is both scared and uncertain, with no XO; it did not seem like a good 'experience' at the time.
"Anything else?" she asked, her right leg had started to ache from the forward pressure she was putting it under, but she ignored it. She would get to 'relax' soon enough.
"What is bothering you, Jack?"
Jack tried to dodge her question with his trademark grin and a shake of his head, but she saw right through it. She felt better now about her own situation and felt it was her turn to be there for him. All she had to do was say in that soft, calm tone she used when they were alone,
“Jack? Talk to me.”
There was something different in his voice as he replied, “I’ve always felt different than the rest of the crew, but now it is true. The only things I have that tie me to humanity are my memories and they fade with time. I fight it, but I am feeling more different every day. It is like graduating the academy and looking back at people you knew from before and you know there is now a divide that can’t be crossed. The difference now is that, more than ever, I stand alone. There is still plenty of the old me left, but I have to wonder for how long. You are one of my few anchors to humanity, yet you have your own life now and that is only fair. The road ahead looks very empty and it is only a matter of time before the road behind me fades away. For the first time, I don’t know where my road is going anymore…and that worries me. There’s really nothing that can be done about it…but there you have it”----------------------
Capt. Catherine Raiser, USS Victoria (ret.)
Cathy Knights
