They said that to understand how the crew was doing, one only look at the Executive Officer. And right now, Thomas was the perfect example of how the crew did and would feel. A ball of frustration, rage, annoyance, anger, fear and possibly sadness; Cathy did her best not to leave his gaze. Instead of flinch, she remained motionless with her gaze on him. Her face twitched at his choice of words... words like 'fool' and his aggravated statement about what Starfleet would do. He wanted to blame her for the change and, rightly so, this was her own choice and own making.
"Starfleet knows better than to firstly give four pips to fools, let alone transfer them to a prestigious ship like this." she narrowed her eyes, looking at him.
"I would not leave this ship in the hands of some fool. This is more than me just 'abandoning' you, Dutch and the crew. Or leaving you in the hands of someone that does not understand the senior officers like I do. I..."
She was at a loss for words, how did she explain this to Thomas under his terms. The mask was cracking, true emotion showing through the Ice Queen's eyes and on her face. If anything, she needed the man who was in charge of the ship, even if temporarily, to believe in her decision to leave... and understand that this was worth more to her than the ship and its crew. She sighed and decided on the most brutal truth,
"Thomas..."
This time, her voice was heavy with emotion, something that she hardly ever did. The words were slow at first, deliberate, emphasizing the rarity of what she was about to say.
"You lost your father to the threats that Starfleet had to deal with. I have lost my parents to the same threat, only they were civilians, not officers." she chose her words carefully,
"I would have given up everything to be there to prevent that tragic accident."
She paused, her jaw tightening as her gaze momentarily left his, before returning,
"My best friend was killed by an entity that didn't even give her a fighting chance... For years, I could not forgive myself for being there at her side, wishing I had been there to save her." she winced, the old emotional scar hurting, "Or even be there at her end... just so she did not have to cross that final bridge alone."
Her jaw tightened even more,
"I would have given anything and everything to be there." her face twitched again, "This man..."
How could she explain Jack Langmir to him?
"This man was... is my equal... In another world, another time, I would have been at his side always. I would have remained on the Broadsword, as her CTO, and forever remained as his partner, his muse... perhaps even his spouse. He was the one who carried me away from danger when I crushed my knee the first time. He was the one who knew me, more than words could describe. I let him get away from me... twice. Every time I turned my back on him in favour of my career, a part of me was broken away."
"I have been given another chance to see him and, even if I cannot save him, at least I know I can be there at the end with him."
She stopped abruptly. The hum of the environmental air conditioning the only thing making noise in the deathly silent room. She swallowed,
"Right now, Lieutenant Jack Langmir is worth more to me than this ship and its crew."
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Capt. Catherine Raiser, USS Victoria (ret.)
Cathy Knights
